My last fuck 

 

   Help me!!
somebody, anybody
cant you see?
I'm so confused,
my soul is tired
it's used up battered and bruised.
I can feel it rising,
from somewhere I can't explain
by now it shouldn't be surprising.
It's an old friend,
one that never leaves
it will be with me until the end.
I can feel it in my soul
It lives way down deep,
like a secret lover
who's secrets I will surely keep.
Always whispering in my ear,
a voice so quiet
that only I can hear.
But its never words of encouragement,
just words full of hate
fueled by jealousy and resentment!
I can't ever shut it off
So I try my best
to keep these feelings to myself,
but I can never put them to rest.
It tells me I'm not worthy,
I will never know real love
because I'm not smart enough, I'm a loser and ugly!
At times I can't even leave home!
But that's what it wants,
to see me miserable and alone.
There's a darkness that lives in me.
I try to hide it,
but look close enough and u can see.
My face may be wearing a smile,
but that's all a lie,
I haven't felt a real one in a while.
It wants me to give up.
To quit fighting,
to finally give my last fuck!
It begs for that ultimate sin.
As good as it may sound,
I can never let it win.
It promises me silence.
it says my mind will finally rest,
no more lies, anger or violence.
Just streets of gold,
total calm and eternal peace,
a place where I will never grow old.
I'm running out of reasons to say no,
I have nothing left
no one to call, no safe place to go.
Get out of my fucking head,
I just want to be happy,
but think I'd be better off dead.
I'm so sick and tired of it!

I feel like any minute I could go off the deep end,

and completely lose my shit.

It is a constant battle,

I'm always on edge,
an angry, insecure, nervous wreck
a constant war existing only in my head.
These things I can never talk about,
so I push the feelings deep down inside
when really I need to cry, scream and shout.
That's what feeds my beast
my insecurities & self-hatred,
its own personal feast
laid out as one big buffet.
All I know is secrets and silent tears,
suppressed emotions, bad thoughts, and doubts
mood swings and outbursts caused by my anxiety and fears.
I pray constantly,
for god to ease my mind!

It's too much, can't he see?
Maybe that preacher was right,
when he said god wasn't in me,
if that's true, I should just give up the fight.
Yeah, I'm sure it could be worse,
but I ruin everyone and  everything I touch,

I think loneliness is my curse.

Am I branded like Cane?

Forced to wander alone,
slowly going insane?
Till I can't take it anymore!
Should I pop some pills and overdose,
or slit my wrist on the bathroom floor?
It has its appeal, that I can't deny.
Finally, get some much-needed rest
to say I don't think of giving in would be a lie.
One more broken heart....
I couldn't handle another letdown or another loss.
Surely I would finally fall apart.
Is it worth the risk I'd be taking?
Should I give it one more chance,
when it's really my soul up for the taking?
Or just accept this life of misery?
Trapped in my own personal hell,
just like it wants me to be.
I could use a blessing or just some plain damn luck
I'm starting to worry about myself!
Cause truthfully,

I've already lost that last fuck!